Faith Salutes

Utter: No

Things you will most likely never ever in a million years hear out of my mouth (and I say a lot...so this is really juicy.):

"I am so annoyed my neighbor spent time planting 5 trees on the side of my house outside the fence. Jerks."

(This actually happened. He said they would and they did. Hip Hip Hooray.)

"I hate airports and the hassle of traveling."

"I love when you are getting a massage and the masseuse talks the whole time."

"Turn down the Michael Jackson."

"Oh, no, please let me do the dishes."

"I can't wait for a woman President."
(Ouch, that one is going to offend some Good Citizens.)

"I am too old to wear colored tights."

"Action films with Will Smith are so good."

"Eww, that food dropped on the floor. I won't eat it..."

"Check out my six pack."

"Oh, that couldn't be my hair. I don't shed like an animal."

"Your kids are totally smarter and better behaved than my niece and nephew."

"You make me laugh harder than my brother."

"You make me laugh harder than my mom and my Uncle Carmichael."

"I have got to have this latest Coach purse." (Gag.)

Okay, I am tired of typing these out.

Faithsalutes a full week ahead, full speed ahead. DC and NYC...here I COME!

i want a boulder and some sunglasses

I tried rock climbing for the first time in my life tonight. I FREAKING LOVE IT. I love it. I love it. I love it. Sure, it was indoors with air conditioning and I didn't have to pack my food and sleep in a tent on the edge of a rock face, but it was still climbing 30 feet up several times using my forearms and legs.

Its expensive man, but I am seriously interested.

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Sunglasses I am after. karen warner/derby. me digs karen warner.

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Faithsalutes the art of hanging from tiny rock niblits by your finger tips.

cause i, like, um forget

I was reminded today of the song I walked down the aisle to in October 2006. Unfortunately I cannot find an original video for the song on Youtube. So you will have to bare with me, and listen to the song. It's beautiful.

Ben Harper's, Blessed to be a Witness.

Faithsalutes a productive Monday.

waiting

i am in a holding pattern. mowgli and i are playing scrabble online. it is his turn. i came back from being beat by almost 50...back in action Good Citizens.

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This weekend was pretty non eventful considering the last couple of months have all been jammed packed with "events". We went to D and C's for dinner. She cooked scallops. The scallops tasted like slices of meaty goodness of the sea. They have a little boy who is almost three years old. Three year olds are good for the world.

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I have an old school youtube video I want to post on here. Most of you will not see the humor in this video, because either 1. You don't know a lick of Spanish  2. You do not think people falling is funny or 3. You don't remember what it is was like to pick on other kids nor do you think it was funny that you yourself were picked on, and for that I apologize.

Faithsalutes a beautiful week ahead...not really, but I will stay near an air conditioning vent and pretend.

Slow and steady wins the race

You know you live in the hood when:

White people from the upper middle class neighborhoods pull up in your neighborhood to "volunteer" to clean up.

You know you have no shame when:

You boss the white pretty folk around and make sure they get every bit of garbage out of your alley, sweep the sidewalks, and don't offer them water from your hose.

You know it is a success when:

The "pretty nails done" white folk want to hang out with you and they want to come back another day to "volunteer" along with my neighbors who don't speak English, but still get all dressed up for neighborhood clean up day. Nothing says picking up trash on Sunday like a low cut shirt, tight jeans, heeled sandals and lots of gold jewelry on. God Bless Mexican Senoras y Senoritas.

Oh, I forgot my favorite part, after bossing the people around, the fact that they hired babysitters to watch their kids so they could come out and help. Love it. My hood is full of nannies that probably work for less, but oh well.

You know you need a new dry cleaner when:

You walk in the door and they don't acknowledge you because they are on the phone. They do not count the items themselves, but ask you how many pants, shirts, blouses, etc. They stay on the phone, phone to ear the entire time you are standing at the counter. The TV is blaring and they are on the phone so there is no possible day they can get it done a day sooner.

Taking my business elsewhere, thank you very much.

You know you have a suspended license when:

The court sends you a letter in the mail and now you have to ride your bike.

You know when you should have thought something through when:

You are coordinating a large women's sports fund raiser and the recommended attire is "cocktail" and you show up in a pink sparkle inspired short cocktail dress. Everyone else is in a black pant suit. I will give some of the ladies credit for the tad bit of gel that went to spike up some hair though. Way to go LA
Thank you ladies for all your cash dollars and for still taking me seriously despite the Barbie inspired cocktail dress.

Lesson learned: lesbian cocktail means black pant suit.

You know when you sort of want to have girl when:

You like looking at Barbies all of the sudden. I am not anywhere near pro creating, but I do secretly want a little girl. I want a little girl who likes Barbies. I did not care for dolls nor did I care for Barbies as a child. This was a great disappointment to my mother. I hope I have a daughter who likes dolls so I can invest in some retro Barbie action. So cool. 

You know when you are sick of bacon when:
Psyche. I am never sick of bacon. Are you crazy? Who do you think I am?   

You know you miss your friends when:
You stock them on flickr.

You know you have grown older when:
Vodka and soda water will do just fine.

You know you you can't control the volume of your voice when:

The restaurant falls silent and everyone hears you say, "And has AIDS!"

Faithsalutes getting back to the blog. Lots to report. xoxoxo

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

My great grandmother's name was Sunshine (also my great Aunt). She was the sort of matriarch of the family with 7 children, 2 husbands, and a Southern upbringing. Whenever I hear the word sunshine I think of her and I think of thawing out in the sun when I was a kid, fresh out of the pool. I used to lay by the side of the pool and "warm up" before usually, well, getting back in the pool.

Anyway, I haven't laid next to a pool to warm up in awhile. These days I just let the sun that beats in through my office window warm me from the recycled air that is shoved around in the a/c vents. I have two more weeks of this at best, then I am going remote and laying by pools.

I will be able to work from a beach in Bali or a truck stop in Tulsa. Give me wi-fi at every Waffle House in America!

Hence the blogging down low. I am busy making sure everything is online, filed properly, and wrapped up like a little pastry in an upscale Madrid pastry shop when you are starving and that is all you can eat because you and your mother have had no luck ordering food that did not have watery canned tuna dumped on top of it. I am a few months behind, so I am catching up and getting ready to take it on the road.

If you are interested in hiring a jack of all trades, master of none, type girl Friday...let me know. My income is being cut in half as of May 15th.

Faithsalutes Cindy McCain for that yellow and turquoise ensemble on Jay Leno. Talk about sunshine! She bottled up the sun and three thousand peeps and made them into a fucking suit. She is cuter than Hilary and Michelle, though, hands down.

Snowbirding is hot

What I want to write about is the phenomenon that is Roadhaven Resort. I just don't want to fully commit to writing about it, so I will only semi-divulge here today. Roadhaven Resort is a mobile home park in Apache Junction, AZ where "snowbirds" come to roost the for winter near the shadow of the Superstition Mountains. For those of you who are not from this part of the country, a "snowbird" is a retiree who drives their RV or Cadillac or Lincoln Town Car or Mini Van to Arizona for the winter so they do not have to deal with the snow in their home state/territory/province.

Roadhaven Resort is one of those places these people end up calling "home" for the winter. It is sort of like Disneyland for the retired with a splash of monotony and retired golf carts. They hunker down in stationary mobile homes surrounded by sunglass wearing cactus and perfectly manicured rock lawns. I go there for the laughs, the golf cart driving, and the pools.

I really do want to write about this when I feel more like writing...I was there yesterday. I have been a frequent visitor of Roadhaven Resort since I was a small child. I know this maze of Indian Tribe named miniature streets (12 mile per hour speed limit) and where to get the mail better than I have known my own streets.

My great grandfather and his wife lived there, escaping the slightly cooler Northern California air. My great Grandfather was an Arizona Native and never likes it being cooler than about 80 degrees. Now that deserves a Faithsalutes! We definitely share bloodlines. Now, my Grandmother lives there. My great-great Aunt lived there once too and my great Aunt also has a little spot. I too one day will have my little plot at Roadhaven and golf cart with a poorboy brown colored top and my wood shop lessons and I will eat strawberry shortcake and Salisbury steak and green beans once a week.

This brings me to another topic close to my heart, cafeteria food. My mom and I love cafeteria food. There is nothing better than scoops fruit cocktail, mashed potatoes, thinly sliced meat (any kind will do for me), gravy that desperately needs salt, scoops of mixed medley steamed vegetables, mystery casserole with crispy edges, baked macaroni and cheese, the list goes on... I don't do cafeteria ice cream, but I do date the pudding sometimes. I haven't eaten at a cafeteria in a long time, but know that I miss her. I long for her. I wish she was more convenient and local.

More about the wonders, mysteries, and goings on of Roadhaven Resort another time...but be warned it will involve lots of plastic tupper ware, hair that has been set for the week, short wave radios, and Dr's Appointments.

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Had lunch today with the duo behind Largo Photography today. I heart them. They are so radical badical. Go Navajo Nation!

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I bought a giant linen hat made by the Hat Company for $12.00. I bought two bathing suit bottoms for $3 each. They are too small and I cannot return. I bought another black stretchy tank top. I have about 9 of them. But this one has thick straps, duh. I used a gift certificate to buy a scarf and some sandals in black for the summer. I bought a pair of flat sandals with "flip-flop" type straps in mandarin orange. Preparing for Summer. I am on the hunt for short sleeve shirts and light dresses. Summer is coming and it is going to be hell-O Phoenix please give me number 9 and when you disconnect me I will kick you from behind the frigerator their laid a piece of glass Miss Suzy sat upon it and broke her little ask me no more questions tell me no more lies the boys are bathroom zipping up their flies are in the city the bees are in the park Miss Suzy and her boyfriend are kissing in the D-A-R-K D-A-R-K, dark, dark, dark!

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Faithsalutes the Goodcitizens of Roadhaven Resort who thought I was a boy when I was 12 and I was wearing a baseball hat and polo shirt. I bet they have transvestite grandkids who never visit them, jerks.

Nuk---cly---ear

I am all about Nuclear power.

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We are going to participating in two very random events tomorrow. The first being my little brother's wrestling tournament. Lots of little boys running around in unitards (singlets, whatever) trying to destroy each other on mats in a high school gym. It is quite entertaining. When I was there age, I could not bare to watch it...but now that they are little boys their little wieners don't offend. Lots of changing and adjusting, you get the picture.

Then after we watch my little brother pull his famous beached whale move, we are going to participate in a Salsa Festival. I told Mowgli about it and he almost starting weeping from joy. I am going for the chips and mild bits of yum yum. Mowgli is attending to proof his manhood. We eat food for entirely different experiences.

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I was introduced to muxtape.com. Its all about making mixtapes for friends, etc. I have been listening to one in particular over and over again. I did make an account (free) and hope to make you, the Good Citizens, a mixtape that you can listen to online...

Faithsalutes Dunder Mifflin Infinity 2.0

...After faithsalutes tells paperpony that she is seeing someone for her depression/anxiety and after paperpony talked about breastfeeding, eh-hem, interruption:

paperpony: good god

no

that is not what i meant to say

faithsalutes: hahahahahaha
paperpony: good dood

hahahaha

youge tit

faithsalutes: youge tit

is that what you have?

gross

yeah, i get it

paperpony: ah typing with one hand

Now that paperpony has an infant at her teet, gchat has been really interesting.

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I could really go for a hot dog. A Hebrew National with mustard.

Faithsalutes the ability of mother's to smack and pinch their misbehaving children in the back seat without crashing.

I'm it...NO, you are it!

The darlings over at AsianCajuns tagged me...I am flattered. Let's make it happen:

The rules:

  * link to the person that tagged you (check)
  * post the rules on your blog (check)
  * share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself
  * tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs (check)
  * let each random person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog (in the process)

Six quirks you're going to wish you never knew.

I am not very good at this. I am pretty crazy, so I am not sure what is crazy and what is not crazy or "quirky".

1. I like to tweeze my eyebrows in my car, because it provides the best lighting. Oh and by the way, you do not use the word pluck, that is what you do to fowl that is being prepared for a meal. My mother always made sure I used the word "tweeze" and "pluck" appropriately.

2. When I see people running, I feel sorry for them...I am like, dude, so many other, better, less jolting ways to get exercise that do not destroy your joints. I don't partake in them myself, but I know for a fact they exist. Slow down, walk it out my man.

3. I like to sleep with the clothes on that I have had on all day. They are already worn in and cozy, so why would I change into something else? Waste. I feel like there is some sort of carbon footprint thing I am attending to by doing this...Happy "we are being lied to about recycling" Earth Day! Putting on something new is too stimulating and it is hard enough for me to wind down at night to go to sleep....

4. Toilets that flush loudly embarrass me more than you can possibly fathom. I do not like to discuss the ladies room nor hear anything related to it. They make it private for a reason.

5. If I was to choose a different culture to which I would be born into, other than American, it would be Icelandic. I can expand if necessary.

6. I will eat all food cold, even if there is an option to heat. Meat, noodles, cheese, pizza, Asian Food, Cajun Food, you name it...I eat it cold, even toast if it has been sitting there awhile because I forgot about it.

I would like to tag:

Leah
Alishia
Helen
Raya
Anna R
Meris (she has a lot of them! ahahahah)

you two

I have a hankering for U2 this morning. Mowgli doesn't like U2, so I have to listen to them when I am alone. Don't even get me started on what a crime that is or even the punishment that should follow.

Mowgli made me a bag of snacks to bring to work today. It consists of a hunk of cheese, some tortilla chips, a piece of fruit, and two hard boiled eggs. We are trying to use up everything in the fridge and somehow that is usually my favorite time of the shopping/eating cycle. Its then that you need to get creative and/or eat a random hodge podge of food. Yes, this is definitely my favorite time to eat...

I bought the Target brand of the Jergen's Natural Glow Lotion. I used it last year and it really seems to work. I put it on this morning and now I smell like a poolside party. But I am not at a pool party, I am in my office overlooking a field of dirt that is supposed to be a park. But there were some fights over a giant hanging sculpture that looks like the female organs that is supposed to be hung in the center of the park, it has taken almost a year just to move dirt around. I get daily progress reports by watching the dirt every day.

I went to the library last night to check out the books all of you Good Citizens suggested. I even went to some of your blogs and wrote down some titles (Thanks Leah!) and not ONE SINGLE book was there. I had to go rogue and hunt for some other titles. Can you believe that? I went through 20 books that were not at the central/main branch. I am reserving online from now on. IDIOT.

I settled on some other titles instead. Out of Africa, which I have never actually read...believe it or not. I also checked out a few other non fiction books on Africa and one on the globalization of mining. Uplifting, right? I will have someone let you know when the funeral is...

I accidentally bought 3 purses on ebay yesterday. I was like Hemingway at the racetracks. I thought I would be outbid with my 50 cent raise, but I was not outbid. I am now stuck with three purses and I only wanted one. I was taught my lesson on gambling on ebay. I think I should remain a spectator.

All I wanted was this the small sapphire blue chain vintage clutch. Now I have a blue leather large clutch that I am going to use with my luggage. I also have a Vintage Ruth Saltz gold chain purse in purple leather. Don't ask. The other images were protected, but here is the purple bag that I was pretty sure I did not want and that someone else would bid on...

Faithsalutes the Mayor of Snack Town. And constituents...you know who you are over there on Brown St. I will be visiting the people soon, Town Hall style.

What?

The lady giving me a pedicure said that you can heal ingrown toenails by sticking your toe in a tub of plain yogurt. Gross, but good for future reference. Live culture! (Sounds like a hip-hop brand from 1991)

This bum told me that he had did not have any money and that he actually owed people money. Preach it. I gave him a few dollars to buy a sandwich at Subway. He needed sunscreen badly. I need to keep some on hand for bums in Phoenix in the near summer-is-coming future.

Faithsalutes the innate ability of elementary school teachers to walk backwards everywhere they go.

Theme Music

Songs I am listening to a lot these days...old to new.

Tilt a Womb = bath time

You asked you got it:

"The term tilted womb is sometimes used to describe a retroverted uterus.

A significant proportion (10%, I looked it up.) of women have wombs that tend to tilt backwards as opposed to resting forwards on top of the bladder. In the vast majority of cases they would have no awareness this and it would present no symptoms and no problems for their sex lives, menstrual cycle or fertility. (LIARS! My "you know what" is so painful I am unable to do anything but lay in scalding hot water for 3 days...it causes unbelievably painful cramps because your body is having a harder time doing what it needs to do...that is as far as I will go with that one.)

In a small minority of women, it has been considered to be a cause of pelvic discomfort or backache. (DUH!) A special kind of pessary (a Hodge pessary) can be inserted to encourage the uterus to tilt forwards to see if it improves symptoms.

If the pessary does help, a gynaecological operation called ventrosuspension can offer a more permanent repositioning.

Yours sincerely

The  Medical Team"

Meris part 2

Happy Birthday.

I love you.

I appreciate you. I admire you. I think you are more prettier than anyone I know, except a few of the people I know who are also very pretty.

She doesn't like being mushy, but heck...she also doesn't like little red potatoes either.

Faithsalutes the cousin of all cousins...the Maggot.

xoxoxo