Faith Salutes

Weigh your dog

Took dog to the vet. She has been limping around for almost 2 weeks. Something is sprained...

When we "rescued" her from the pound and then weighed her for the first time she was 28 pounds. She now weighs 51 pounds. She gained 23 pounds or so in 6 months. I gained 30 in Kenya in 6 months. I beat her. I win. I can grow faster than an animal.

I was like all like, shoot man, I wonder how much I weigh now. The tech at the vet said the scale was the most accurate and they just had this fancy machine serviced. I stepped on the scale, post breakfast, fully clothed, tennis shoes, etc...and I weigh 129 pounds. This means I have lost a few pounds, maybe 5! I haven't eaten crap (only one Taco Bell binge of two tacos) and it is seriously paying off. And, I would like to add, I have not been taking naps and feel great. All I had to do was stop eating fast food and candy. Duh. I knew that is all I would have to do, but shoot it worked out quickly. I am not "dieting" just not eating fast food and drinking Coca Cola.

I have about 7 more pounds to go! Now I need to start weeding out some of my other vices. I think one thing at a time is best for me...

I did not want to ever talk about this on my blog, but I talk about it to a few...very few select friends. Now, I figure oh well...99% of you do not see me and will never know the difference anyway. Here is to fitting back into my lonely skinny clothes hanging in the closet.

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I went to a show last night. A very small show, as in 25 people showed up at a little venue in the hood called Trunk Space. The band was called Gospel Claws. They were actually legitimate live. I was more impressed, and admittedly shocked at the quality. Their music was a little bit Strokes, a little bit early Modest Mouse/Ugly Cassanova days, an a pinch of their own flair. (I am using more popular bands for the masses...but check out their myspace page for a more deliberate list of influences.) They are newly formed and need some tweaking, but they are headed on the right track...

I think they need some Timbaland to come in and make things happen.

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I cannot wait to fill you in on my shuttle bus driver Ernie and all of our lively conversations. Ernie Tisdale the bus driver.

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My lap top died, so I am updating in my office...which is harder to do with all these manuscripts on my desk, so I will hopefully be able to pull off one last Unreasonable Birthday request posts before the weekend.

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Faith salutes 27 years of Mondays.

Unreasonable request part 4: Because you can't you won't and you don't stop

Kenya is under pressah. Keep informed and pray for her well being. My homie at Direct Relief International is updating their site with their participation in relief. Back in home territory, presidential primaries are now if they haven't already happened your home town. For unwanted, but highly informed political advice contact me any time.

Crucial.

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Were you all aware that we were informed that we are now to call P-Diddy Sean John? I think I will now call him, "Hey you...yeah you...with the sunglasses on inside, stop being an a**hole puff face."

All ranges prices (more like my budget) and fabulous...but first:

Its a week count down and I just found out that Slice of Pink is turning one year older a day earlier on the 3rd. I bet she has some completely fabulous birthday wish. I am just hoping I don't lose my keys that day and my dog doesn't destroy anything.

My neighbor and bestest yum Dan found an amazing mirrored table (tall octagon on top and rectangular base) at an antique store this weekend and had Mowgli run out there and pick it up for me...$30! It was a lovely surprise and it is amazing. I am still trying to figure out where to place it in the house, but it makes me happy just to know it is around.

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Target (Erin Fetherston) shorts $12.95, Top Siders from Sperry $65.00, Mesh Tank from American Apparel $16.00, Dress from Top Shop 75 pounds, American Apparel Cross Front Dress $40.00.

 

disillusioned

I read an older blog post of mine right before Christmas. I did not fulfill most of the tasks before Christmas like I had hoped. I usually have little milestones when I assume/hope an extravagant list of items will be accomplished.

Christmas, my birthday, spring break, 4th of July, when fall hits/school starts, Thanksgiving, etc.

This time, for my birthday, I think I might actually be on track with some items on my list. (Losing 5 pounds is always on there, always or sometimes 10.) And if I did not spend so much time on fashion blogs, maybe I would accomplish even more.

Check out Stylebytes.net and then scroll through her list of links. Some are not updated as often, some are only magazine spreads and couture musings, some are humorous, and some are thrifty with inspiring ensembles to emulate. Now go out there and get addicted.

I love the Scandavian posts best. I am a bit Danish-ly biased.

My cousin in Denmark's name is Mette (Metah). It is a popular name there. I like it.

Faithsalutes Mette the librarian, not so much the fashionista.

PS I miss California. I miss California a lot today.

Tabs

You can learn about someone by the tabs open on their web browser.
Here are mine at 1 AM, Monday:

Stylebytes.net (Helen gave me the heads up on this blog and now I go there to read all about fashion through her various links on her site...it is extremely addicting.)

ASU Blackboard site, for French homework.

Gmail, my account is never closed. I am chatting with folks across the mason dixie and back across the plains, coast to coast. I have a team editing something for me. It is 3 AM in Virginia, they must love me, no?

International Republican Institute, Sudan page...reading up on Sudanese politics.

And Typepad...

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During a much needed* commercial I heard, "Tacos or burritos, what to order at Baja Fresh coming up next on News 15 at 10." Guess who never watched the 10 o'clock news. I think I lost brain cells just listening to the teaser. It made me want to stab the newscaster in the neck for even participating in this brand of journalism. Then again she is trying to make a buck wearing bad suits like a majority of America.

*Much needed because I start weeping, not even crying...weeping during Extreme Makeover Home Edition. I need the commercials to catch my breath, adjust my contacts, and wipe the snot off my face. The dad this week kept crying and when dad's cry it is hard to keep it together.

I even cried at the teaser for next week's show. I cried during the prequel! Yes, you should start to be concerned. An intervention may well be on its way. Yes to rehab.

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I did write another post and had Camino lock up on me and I lost a post that took me 30 minutes. Bitter? Yes, extremely.

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My nephew turned one today. We gave him a cupcake. He ate the cupcake in under 45 seconds. It was incredible to be a part of...I can't even eat a cupcake that fast. He makes life worth living, he really does...and reminds us to eat cupakes as if it were your last.

Goodnight world.

Faithsalutes the sinus medication that will not let her sleep.

Flag for your rights.

I love flags.
I love the American flag, mucho.

Today the American flag was flying upside down at the main post office in downtown Phoenix. The beautiful, depression built building standing strong on Central Avenue was unintentionally causing me to tirade. I immediately took the elevator to the 1st floor and ran across the incomplete light rail tracks and leapt over some heaps of dirt to the front steps of the US Post Office. My mission: to make sure the flag was put in its upright position and some apologies were made. Mission accomplished.

My Eagle Scout would be proud...Mowgli style.

I am not fighting in Iraq, but I am now officially on flag patrol. Its the least I can do.

Faith salutes, literally.

This happy made

I read about an artist who throws herself at men...check out her website, it is classic. Click on links at bottom of page. I want to be her friend so badly. Please be my friend Lilly McElroy.

Faithsalutes throwing yourself at men, in a non naughty way.

Unreasonable Requests part 3: Vanity a la the bush

(I still have not written about 5th grade, the massage incident, or others...but they will get finished one day.)

My friend was slaving away in the White House but was more recently lured away by former Attorney General John Ashcroft's consulting firm. Today, my friend hit me up on google chat and told me Ashcroft just sang "Your So Vain" to him. This amused me greatly.

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Yesterday I ate two very small cupcakes, no frosting...but then I had to run an entire block chasing after the shuttle, so I need those cupcakes for you fuel you see. I knocked on the window of the large travel shuttle bus at the red stoplight, where I finally caught up to it. I had to run another 50 yards to get to somewhere where the bus lady felt comfortable pulling over to pick me up. I am sure I amused the commuters during rush hour yesterday. I like to think I do my part at keeping people amused. The shuttle took me to the Tempe campus for the second time that day for French class part deux. I was mutilated in French class. The TA teaching the course is French, adorned in Euro trash clothing, and full of eyebrow raising he carried the class through 2 chapters in one short sitting. I felt like a complete idiot. I mispronounced one word and it was so awful...because he could not figure out what I was saying. I made up for it with a joke later, so all is well. But I am completely flipped out about being behind, there is nothing worse than being behind in a language course. It slowly gets worse and worse until you have no clue what is even happening. I am on a studying regime.

Commencer maintenant!

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The sky in Phoenix is dark. Dark skies in Phoenix are brilliant because the sky stays the same size, always overwhelming and never ending, just darker in tone.

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List of goodies that I mostly cannot afford nor would feel comfortable asking for in real life part 3:

There is more of a theme here. Land Rover Defender must be in white or black.

Bracelet from Bergdorf's. Belt, hat, sandals and scarf from Volcom. The clothing is a bit more laid back too look smashing in the Defender.

Faithsalutes my alter ego. Remember you are in the middle of nowhere, no need to match. No likey matching.

Unreasonable part 2: Billions served

I was forced to rise before dawn and head to the main campus of Arizona State University for my French immersion course. The main campus is located in Tempe (Temp eeeee). The main campus has more people than McDonald's has served enrolled and the campus has 7 million buildings to house them all...armed with my map and the desire to catch up in my French, I braved the crowded sidewalks and was in the lab ten minutes early.

McDonald's magnates should purchase these for me with their money, so I can stand out amongst the ASU masses. Wish List part deux:

SFMOMA, Kate Spade, Bergdorf's, etc.

Faithsalutes lick lick.

 

Unreasonable Requests part 1

(I HATE TYPEPAD...the layout always looks cruddy...I don't know how to fix it...any advice?)

Mowgli has been asking me to pull together a gift guide for my birthday (I have tons of time, but I know he will be stressed out if I don't make it happen). I will admit that I am nearly impossible to shop for...

I am torn between choosing reasonably priced items and the ridiculous, things I actually need vs. things I want, and wanting to wait until an upcoming trip to LA's Garment district.

I will be updating with items until next month...

So, despite my inability to make decisions for others in the gift department...here are a few items I need, want, and in all cases cannot afford:

Diane Von Furstenberg, Gold mint jacquard. Its beautiful up close and personal. Gold and mint is brilliant.
$485.00, Nieman Marcus. (HAAHAAH) Sidenote: this model is not attractive.

Yoana Baraschi Ecru with black Venice lace yoke. Me loves it. $290.00

Top ShopOpen Toe and Back Ankle Boot
£65.00

 

Top Shop Frill Platform High Shoe

£60.00

Top Shop Button Collar Moleskin Jacket

£60.00

 

Nordstrom Calvin Klein 'Yosie' Sandal (I tried these one and fell in lust.)
$89.95

The Iphone. Sure, I don't need it...I just want it someday...but maybe I will opt for Mac Air first.

Holga camera from Lomographic Society International.
$75.00

Target Mirrored Side Tables (2)
$99.99 each

Faithsalutes the many more items to come. Gift guides for yourself is way too much fun, unrealistic and fantastical.

MLK Reality

Sometimes I despise acronyms, because they somehow detract and perhaps limit the impact of the very thing they are supposed to represent...I have been saying MLK all week, I would not have called him MLK to his face. Just like I am not too fond of X-Mas. It just ain't right.

I personally do not think we should have schools closed to their pupils on Martin Luther King Day, I think he would rather we stay in school and get our learn on. Education creates problem solvers.

Martin Luther King, we thank you...education is our next calling.

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I can't of anything worse than updating your own resume. I am doing that today, now. I do not like doing it, instead of it being something rewarding I feel like it is extremely limiting. Who we are on paper is not always necessarily who we are, what we are, or reflective of our potential.

"Oh, you worked for a Surfboard company in Santa Cruz? And now you want me to hire you for what exactly?"

Don't worry, it's not on the resume any longer...but you catch my drift.

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I can never get enough of America's Next Top Model!

Off to study French and officially put on paper how I am not qualified.

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xoxoxo

Faithsalutes Martin Luther King's resume...though his impact and his potential could not have been expressed on paper.

I am not a homophobe. I am wicked retarded.

The new politically correct word is retarded, mentally handicapped is out...according to my friend who teaches here in Arizona.

I am not sure, but I know that I love gays and retards so whatever we call them I love them all the same. Take that.

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We are watching football. I did not watch football all day, because I had to take my niece to Target. She loves Target, going to to Target with her is a treat. She picked out my deodorant and laundry detergent according to scent and packaging.

Mowgli asked her what sports she would like to play and after naming several options she said, "Well, I like talking. I talk a lot." HAAHAHAH. Wow are we related or what? She is not even 2 and a half and she knows what she wants to be when she grows up: a talker.

She also told me her Sunday school teacher has "fat hair".

I love that little girl more than words can express. My brother and sister-in-law having ids was the best thing that happened to this family.

Back to football, I want the Packers to win. We'll see what happens in 6:43 left in the 4th. The Superbowl is in Phoenix this year. The big AZ is getting ready for the affair by recruiting volunteers. You heard me, volunteers. You do not get paid to help people who paid $3,000 for a ticket watch a GAME. Unbelievable. I remember I was a freshman in high school when the Superbowl was here before. They tried to recruit us back then to do work from sunrise until midnight for a free t-shirt and perhaps .5 seconds on television if the camera happened to zip by a crowd during half time. I declined. I rather not volunteer for the an entity that is able to pay their players millions of dollars to play a game. People think free t-shirts will get people to volunteer to just about anything for any length of time. Get over yourselves. I rather volunteer for a more worthy cause, thank you. My last volunteering experience a few weeks ago was incredible at a domestic violence shelter and I got a free t-shirt. I would have done it without the free t-shirt. Don't we have enough free t-shirts already? Would we still have volunteerism without them? Would people go out of their way to give back if we didn't start advertising that we are helping or have helped with a piece of cotton and something screenprinted on it?

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Faithsalutes donating free t-shirts so people can pay for them at Goodwill.

xoxoox

Am I or am I not a homophobe?

I say, "That's gay!" a lot. Does that make me homophobic?

I don't think it does.

Homophobe (Urban Dictionary, not a "real word").

Let me know.

Faithsalutes my gay bff, you know who you are!

Make it more memorable than disappear

You write the most gloriously epic email/blogpost of your life and somehow it disappears. You know what I am talking about? You feel me?

That has conveniently happened to me a couple of times this week.

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I cannot even begin to recap...just trust me, it was juicy.

Have a lovely Friday, make it memorable.

Faithsalutes cheese.

My body, Your body, Gap Body

When I told my friend today that I went to Gap Body to purchase *intimate apparel...she chuckled and responded, "They fit you?" (Snicker, snicker)

I am not an exotic dancer or Queen Latifah for crying out loud. She was referring to the necessity of the under-wire brassier and not whimsical training bra shapes which comes to mind when you think Gap Body, it's not exactly a cache of *armor over there, or so I thought. Believe it or not Gap, which I have found makes clothes for very tall thin people with no curves or very large people whose curves are now inseparable nor have any definition, made some intimate apparel items that fit a bumptiously snookie snookie bam bam like myself.

The story gets deliciously stereotypically better. My friend, a recently arrived fresh to the desert Detroit Jew, works at the Gap part time here and there to make an extra dolla. She is in my graduate program with me and also teaches Religious School for 3rd Grade Jews (insert hard core). This is where I love a good stereotype...a super Jew hooked me up! She demanded, no kidding, that I come down there on Wednesday (today) to the Gap and buy bras that were being marked down. She convinced me that they would be marked down to around $4.00 an item, including clothing. She must have been able to see my torn, stained bras through my stained torn shirt. Either way, we all know how Gap sales are, things are practically free if you get there at the right tizime. I am not a Gap fan because I think the clothes are usually boring and ill fitting, but everyone knows the about the Gap (child labor) blah, blah and that the marking down of clothing is inevitable. Well, today, most of it really was free like the Jew had promised (Jews keeps their promises to Jews by Association like me). I purchased enough bras to toss out all my old ones, three pairs of socks (.33 each), a pair of jeans in size 2, robe in Medium, two belts, some lotion, and a handful of p****** for $40.00. I was able to use her discount, but it only took about $7 bucks off the top. I spent my grocery money at Gap. The Commercial Corporate gods are angry I did not pay full prize, but I have a special place in Zion waiting for me.

Go Jews! Go Intimate Apparel! Go Gap!

Faithsalutes still fitting into a size 2 at Gap, which is like a size 17 everywhere else...but it makes you feel like a rock star either way.

*Viking style support, heavy metal
*I like the term intimate apparel.
*I can't say p******. It makes me feel dirty.   

How much do dogs need to sleep?

My dog sleeps a lot. I know dogs sleep an extravagant amount, but sometimes I get worried like a nervous Jewish mother..."Oh, good god, did you need all that sleep little pooch? Ayayayay." Then I think about how much I sleep...and I curse her genetic make up which keeps her looking like she is at the gym every morning at 5 AM and then runs the Ironman for kicks every year. I look like I sleep too much. I don't sleep well though, I am up five times a night, I toss and turn all night...so I require more time lying down than others.

Empires aren't built on sleep, so I better wake the the heck up...Trump only sleeps around 4-5 hours a night.

Faithsalutes my alarm clock tomorrow morning that is actually going to go off (I like to wake up allllaaa natureeel)

3 is better than 1

There was a triple shooting a mile away today. Love those statistics.

Wham bam.

I stayed home and soaked all day. Why? Because I have the sort of cramps that kill small herds of goats.

I have only had an apple to eat today. I am starving. I do not want to leave the house to get food. I have some cereal, but no milk. I ate some cherry sours, we are almost out of those. I am trying to slim down for the birthday in a couple of weeks. Starvation was not my idea of losing five pounds. I guess I will have to leave the house afterall.

I tried rearranging my furniture today. It didn't work. Our couch is too HUGE. Now the house is just a giant mess, furniture sized mess.

I am boring today.

Bye.

Faithsalutes the Starbucks giftcard to buy some iced tea.

I am starving, white girl in America starving

There is nothing worse than being hungry in class.
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Why class introductions should be subject to a time limit...what I learned tonight about my fellow Graduate students:

To have minimally invasive spine surgery, instead of the other kind?
How this guy didn't trust his doctor in Cleveland to work on his hand
Hating animals, loving animals, way too much about animals
Exact office locations, floor number, et al.
Their ENTIRE resume when asked where they work NOW
Listing their minors and second degrees. I have two degrees. (Great, I was one class short from another major...these people would tell you all about that...)

Let's put it this way, way too much information. 3 hours later...

Name, rank, serial number.

We will be together for 5 months in a small classroom setting. I will find out about your sister's surgery, your hand, and how you majored in 15 liberal arts degrees and are still deciding whether or not you like working with animals in the next 5 months.

Faithsalutes time limits on class introductions on a Monday night.

When the random get going, Faith keeps colliding

I spent yesterday afternoon with one YMCA balding, but with long curly hair security guard from the Dominican Republic who is a Sephardic Jew. One construction site security guard named Inic. One YMCA employee who is about to join the Phoenix Police Department named Paul and ONE LONG PIECE OF WIRE. We spent 2 hours together trying to break into the Subaru. We got to know each other in those two hours.

Thems is my brothers from another motha.

When you can smell other people in your office enjoying a better lunch than you have

Lame.

"Cowboy Up, even though I have never ridden a horse." Stereotype Part 2

Items you will find in this girl's house:

1. Pantene Pro V or Herbal Essence only. And a Cover Girl compact
2. Way too many candles, some for decorative purposes others in the bathroom
3. A Playstation or XBox with car racing games (D!)
4. Enough Dr. Pepper in the fridge to kill a small horse
5. A futon or hand me down couch from her parents (includes lazy boy pull out chairs)
6. A blanket with a NFL logo on it
7. Pipe for smoking weed, her boyfriend mostly uses it. He leave it there, because he still lives with his parents...
8. Pile of scrunchies and spilled beauty product in top bathroom drawer.
9. Cereal: Lucky Charms, Coco Puffs, and Smacks
10. Display of trophies from when they were a kid
11. Possible Letterman's jacket from the softball or basketball years hanging in the closet
12. Framed Prom photos on display in the bedroom, she wore a French twist...if you must know.
13. Slippers by the front door
14. A dog...any size, but there is no doubt a dog.
15. The house smells like dog and vanilla candles
16. The fridge is covered in pizza joint magnets and a few Disney ones for good measure
17. Shot glasses are used for decoration
18. Really expensive stereo equipment that is supposed to be put in her truck or Grand Am by her Dad soon.
19. Stained carpet
20. A can of bug spray for when she gets ants in the apartment.

She is not a lesbian, I repeat NOT a LESBIAN.

Stereotypes

I love stereotypes. LOVE THEM. I love to make them up, discuss them, use them, break them, abuse them.

I heart them. Not in the way I heart Taco Bell, but in another kind of heart way. Like the way I heart really brilliant sentences that I get to read a couple of times in a book and start to smile.

One stereotype I am still working on, I have been for years and years, is one I can't quite come up with a label for...I was hoping you Good Citizens might be able to help me out...

They are female. They drive either trucks (newer editions, blue or white) or two door outdated sports/muscle cars (think Pontiac Grand Am). Their cars have the stupidest bumper stickers in the world and they always smoke in their trucks. They go to Metallica concerts and pretend to love bands like Korn. They always wear their hair long, always...but it is always pulled back into pony tail, bun, or clip action. They also frequent the baseball cap. They wear baggy t-shirts with sports bras, athletic shorts, or jeans. Dressing up consists of a low cut top and flip flops. They wear pajama pants in public. Their accessories are either some sort of piercing (naval, weird ear placement, or eyebrow) and a lanyard with keys and Disney key chain or a "Girl's Rule" motif key chain collection. They used to play softball and might still, but usually it was back in the day. Most actually have boyfriends, but his name is James or Jimmy or Billy and he is extremely quiet. She does his bidding for him. He loves cars and always has dirty greasy fingernails from being underneath the 59 Chevy he is restoring or his truck that never really runs. He always has his baseball cap on, always. These girls have one pretty girlfriend that they have known since elementary school, the rest are goobery males. These girls go to technical school, work at a doctor's office so they can wear scrubs, or at a telemarketing center.  These girls keep Hot Topic, sports bra manufacturers, key chain manufacturers and Wal-Mart open.

This post might get updated when I think of more...because I haven't described their apartment and/or their parents house yet. 

What are these girls called? Who are they? Where do they come from? What do we call them?

Faithsalutes dem girls.

Dog, take 5.

My dog will not respond to one thing:

1. People screaming down. She doesn't get it.

I talk to my dog in two distinct voices:

1. So high only she can hear it...
2. In an Italian mob/ pizza joint owner voice when walking her. I walk her without a leash (boo hiss) and she only obeys when I yell "Eeeeyyy. C'mon, get outta her'ya! You know whatta I mean." She runs to me like I am a steamy piece of 3 day old bacon when she hears this. She must have a thing for Italians.

My dog likes three things more than me:

1. Crap she finds on the street and gets to eat before I can yell at her in my Soprano's voice.
2. A plastic ball that has another plastic ball inside of it that she can see and hear and it drives her crazy. It drives our neighbors crazy. They have permission to take the ball away when it has slammed up against their place too many times.
3. Our neighbor "D". She loves him more than me or anyone else. She would starve for days to just have five minutes of "D" time.

My dog has destroyed 4 of my beloved items:

1. Pair of brown pricey pants that I wear to work, interviews, and former nights out in LA. I stay at home now and watch TLC shows about disgusting medical mysteries.  Sad. 
2. Pair of black Banana Republic work pants...just a giant hole near the thigh. No biggie.
3. My leopard print heels I bought in the Garment District for 20 bucks.
4. A heart a little boy I am very close to made me out of felt and ribbon. I kept the remnants of the heart.

My dog will live to see her 5th birthday if:

1. She continues to do her business in the great outdoors.
2. She doesn't attack someone breaking into our house and they sue us for injuries.
3. She chooses me over "D" (giving her time on that one, her crush is alive and fresh)
4. She wins me some money on America's Funniest Home Videos or an Animal Planet special on pets.
5. When I have babies she doesn't try to eat them or any other babies.

Oh Spanky Loo, I love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck.

My mother in law will take her if need be...Spanky somehow knows this too...brat.

prom death

prom was one of the worst nights. the junior prom. i did not go to my senior prom, my high school sweetheart had knee surgery and couldn't get around that well.

but that is beside the point: is anyone watching the atrocities occurring on project runway?

i want to slash tires after i see that kind of stuff.

Faithsalutes my cheap ass prom dress and keeping it on.

Imaginarium

I entered an online Vogue contest, well completed a survey, which enters me into a contest to win $500.00. What can $500.00 do for you on shopvogue.tv? Not very much.

There was no where on the survey to let them know their videos are usually outdated. For example, they are showing "Fall" videos in January. Though I do like Caroline Herrera's voice, they should keep her as a hostess in one of the clips. You should hear it, ggrrrrr.

I subscribe to Vogue magazine. It costs me under $20.00 (maybe even under $15) to feel like an icon when it is crammed into my mail box once a month. I figure it is a good investment for myself. Because I will never obtain the lifestyle they convey on their pages, I do not feel threaten by it. The experience is more like visiting a palace in Madrid. I love flipping through the pages. When Real Simple (which I no longer subscribe) arrived in my mailbox, I started to feel ill and panic stricken. It seemed their concepts are more within reach and when I am unable or too lazy to make my home or lifestyle comply, I feel lousy. Some Good citizens do not feel the same, I am sure, but both are contributing to the dying breed of magazines which is a healthy cause. Hip Hip Hooray Magazines. Case and point, I rather receive Vogue for a lower cost every month and continue with my vivid imagination breaks throughout the day.

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I was nearly accosted by two drunk guys walking around the neighborhood at noon today. I decided to turn around when I spotted them and walked with Spanky Loo in the opposite direction. They noticed my retreat and began to yell and point. I turned to watch them head over the pedestrian bridge toward the projects.   

Drunk at noon! On their way to success! I hope the government subsidizes their lifestyle! The government partnered with drunks at noon...this country is going places.

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Mowgli is obsessed with Michael Jordan* shoes. Apparently there are 20 versions of them. Every single one of them are the ugliest shoes I have ever seen in my life. I want to light them on fire in protest when I see them. Mowgli thinks they are works of art. They make me sick just looking at them. Maybe Mowgli thinks if he owns enough pairs it will transform him into a professional basketball player.

I think if I owned enough of the Marc Jacobs line I would somehow build an empire in a few weeks. Alas, I own one Marc Jacobs item (on clearance times ten) and Mowgli has a couple pairs of Jordans. He is a couple steps ahead in the imaginary games we play.

*He has still got it. So fine.

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Waiting to see who will won in the next couple rounds during the sexy presidential primary season. Black man or a white woman? Juicy.

Mormon or Baptist minister? Juicy still.

Revolution, yes please and make it pulpy.

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Faithsalutes pulp and pumps.

Week 1, Day 1

I started off started 2008 yesterday. Faithsalutes calendar...

It started with alarms blaring at the church across the street, dog puke, throwing away everything old in my refrigerator and realizing I am going to starve if I do not go to the grocery store soon, getting my not so good at Scrabble behind mutilated online, writing down some goals via tadalist.com, swigging coke out of the 2 liter plastic container in my fridge, watching Howard's End with Anthony Hopkins and Emma Thompson while taking on tedious editing, locking all my doors and peaking out of my windows as a helicopter swarmed over my house...very closely, lights shining in my windows closely, cut out some more fabric to sew some more totes, watched an old greek film that would not finish because I rented it from the library and it was too scratched to go on,  and I folded some laundry and did not put it away.

Sound exciting? Aren't you writhing with jealousy? Time to kick it up a notch.

Mowgli is in La Jolla, California while I am dodging bullets and rain drops here in Phoenix. Classic.

Hope all is well out there!

Faithsalutes starting her day at 11:19 AM.

Wedding of your dreams!

When I think cake, I think this...click. You will not be disappointed.

Thank you d tupac.

Faithsalutes bridezilla lifesize.

Matress Rumble

All the matresses in our neighborhood, inside and out of the houses, are flipping out under the pressure. There is a deafening alarm that is making everything in the hood shimmy and shake. We usually shimmy and shake to the Mexican polka music blaring out of the windows of lowered cars that drive by...

The 89% abandoned church across the street has a defective alarm that will not stop going off in the middle of the night and today it went all morning. The cops have been called several times along with the church and other various entities...problem not yet solved.

I have not slept in two nights. I had to take a 3 hour nap yesterday to recover from the tossing turning, ear piercing, matress shaking alarm effect. I also always take 3 hour naps on Sundays. I take three hour naps on other days too, but for no reason other than I love to sleep.

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We had a couple, originally from Taiwan, come and stay with us on Friday night. The woman, Adell (COOL NAME, though not sure how she spelled it...), told me how cool my art room was and how she loved my purse that I made in a very sincere tone, heavily accented. This completely changed my entire outlook on the weekend. I was like, "OMG, yes, I am so rad." When an Asian hipster approves, it is like winning the Nobel Cool Award. I was tickled pink on Saturday morning. She said she wanted an art room like mine, but hers needed to be bigger. I agreed. Her cool factor is larger and more in charger than mine.

And yes, we are rarely without guests. Someone asked if we had a hotel, but we live in the hood so it is more like a Motel!

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Please pray for those involved in the Kenyan upheaval this past week or so. I have emailed a very close friend there and asked for details and to see if she is safe. I know several members of the Luo tribe, who are caught up in some of the mess...including in Eldoret where many Kenyans where killed. Corruption seems to always win in Africa. Its the place to be if you don't have a conscious. Wow, I cannot believe how politically incorrect that is, what I just typed...people without a conscious are everywhere, its justice that is vital.

American Gladiator Justice...

As long he doesn't start getting greedy on us.

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Block Watch, ready, go. The alarm just went off, AGAIN.

Faithsalutes American Gladiators, especially the bloody Marine kind. Death before Dishonor or the eliminator.

The Hansons

Mowgli and I went over to do our usual Hanson family check in this evening. Check in...drinking their wine, drinking their coffee, and eating their left overs. The drop in also includes tossing their kids around and feeling at peace.

Being blessed with friends, friends like them, is what keeps me on the "sane train*" and grounded and happy and grateful and not feeling so sorry for myself over stupid shit for very long (easy to do, very easy to do).

I love them. I would never say that to their faces, because, well, I just wouldn't. But one reads my blog, so I can say it here...love you Hansons (even Buddy and Tiny because they don't touch me for more than .3 seconds as I walk in the front door).

Faithsalutes friendships that start in twin beds at an orphanage in Mexico.

*I am counting on the Hansons to be the first to smack me back to consciousness and let me know I have fallen off the "sane train" and where the next stop might be to get back on...

Tow legit to quit

I couldn't decide which car should be towing the other...

Maybe they trade off every couple of stop lights.

The Little House that Could Car lot:

Faithsalutes the block watch fanatics I met today. Taking a bite out of crime...

Because she is nicer than you

Check this out.

TOTE ON MOWGLI.

Thank you Liene!

the Curve

I sewed my first curve. It is awful, but not as bad as those cookies I tried to make that one time. Remember that paperpony? Wow, that was bad. My domestic skills are limited, yet not limiting.

I ended up with a tote bag that looks like it was in the last J. Crew catalog.

I asked Mowgli to hold it up for a photo...

He started modeling, I just wanted him to hold it up, so I cropped him and his other girlfriend (his computer) out, but she had to get her cords in the photo. That hussy. I am about to smack her. Sometimes models really distract you from the line anyway, you know?

It is lined with a thin striped navy/white combo. I am telling you it is a J. Crew catalog smashed into a easy to sew tote. I would have had even more exotic fabric, but there was a new girl at the fabric store last night who treated fabric like faberge eggs being passed around the Olso Accords. CUT THE FABRIC CAMMIE. I AM GOING TO strangle you with these remnants and your sister in Florida you told me about will be really sad if you don't just cut the fabric.

I cannot for the life of me rotate that photo.

I went to Target. Christmas items are 90% off. I spent $7 dollars and felt like the Queen of Sheba.

I met a neighbor today who wants to start a blockwatch. We are headed to the "How To" seminar tomorrow morning. She lives in a pretty house that is well kept and makes the value of my house increase. I like.

She doesn't live in this house:

I CANNOT ROTATE PHOTOS>>>USE YOUR IMAGINATION, sideways.

We are reporting the people in our neighborhood that have a garage sale every weekend. Only 3 a year are legal in Phoenix. I am not reporting how many people live there (167), just the blight.

Matresses and gas cans come to die in my neighborhood, and oh so do some people.

Faithsalutes the Iowa Caucus which won't decide the Presidency. Me no likey their choices.

2008 should be great, unless Pa Ingles says No.

My former roommate dropped by for a visit in Phoenix for the afternoon last week. She said she remembered when she asked me what the hell I was going to do when I graduated from college. She reminded me of my reply. "I'm going to start an empire," I said. And I was dead serious. She said she completely believed me even though she was laughing. I needed to hear that. I needed the reminder. She has no idea how badly I needed that reminder. Thank you Alethea.

I think I know where 2008 is headed. And I am not the only one making changes...my friends are having babies and getting married left and right. Mazel tov, unless I get stuck wearing an ugly bridesmaid dress.

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Today my old man turned 47. Yeah, he became a dad when he was 12. Anyway, we had a small intimate gathering. I felt so very blessed to be there with my flesh and blood. All he wanted was a nap, but the gift of 12 year old parents is they will be around until you are 87 whether they get their nap when they are 47 or not. My birthday gift to my dad is I will not call him between 1-3 PM tomorrow when he usually takes his naps.

My dad is a firefighter. I think is it so cute. It is weird, but I really do think it is cute that my dad is a firefighter. Hahah. Cute.

My great grandfather turned 48 yesterday. Yeah, he was also 12 when he had my grandmother and fought in World War II. Though, you never get an inheritance this way or days off from work when everyone is around forever. But, I think having them around is better, if they are nice to you.

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Mowgli and I spent New Year's Eve in Bisbee, AZ.

It involved, but was not limited to: Cirque du Soliel performers, old man tricycle making out with the graduate student from New Mexico, art professors, philosophy professors, freaks, fire jugglers, stilts, baked potato, excellent champagne, a house straight out of Architectural Digest complete with Herman Miller chairs and a real zebra rug, gays, people on acid, crowded streets of friends, no real countdown til midnight, a really sorry replica of a Chinese parade dragon, and women in their 60's high dancing with their lively hips, Burning Man rejects.

Boy, howdy did we enjoy ourselves.

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Guess who got a sewing machine from her Mother In Law? Guess who has been pumping out little pouches like a sweat factory because that is all she can sew?

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Guess who's two year old niece asked her if she knew who Laura Ingles? Of course I know Laura, we go way back to when my 12 year old dad introduced us every night before we went to bed. Faithsalutes introducing Laura Ingles to your children. I think my brother dreams of being Pa Ingles.

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What is up with television? Is it just me or does it keep getting better and better? Shit. I don't ever want to watch TV, but it tastes so good. So sweet on the lips.

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I need to go work now.

Faithsalutes 2008. Get ready to rumble.

PS I never saw Chris Rock, but I did get to have a reunion with some former high school classmates. 7 males and me. We danced. We danced all night.

Back in Action, Jackson

Later I be all postin'.

I have been busy...starring into space.

Faithsalutes space.